At the time of this post, I have been treatment free for a little over five months. It is strange how much my weeks have changed. No more planning for every other weekend to be spent recovering. No more prepping my port for the infusions. No more calls on my way home from the oncologists office to my parents to let them know I had made it through another one and was headed home to crash on the couch.
Friday, April 12, 2019 – Annual checkup with Dr. M, my radiation oncologist. After he listened to my lungs and examined me for any residual affects from the radiation treatments, he pulled up my last scan and said I looked great! Other than what they call, “ground glass nodules” in my lung that are common with radiation treatments (and may or may not go away), he told me that he is treating me as if my cancer is cured and that I do not need to come back to him unless any other issues arise, i.e. it comes back. I shook his hand, thanked him for everything and said, “hope to see you never”, to which he chuckled and said, “same to you”.
Friday, May 17, 2019 – Our grandson, Oliver Thomas Coonrod, made his grand entrance into the world! A beautiful bundle of joy! Brian, Ben and I made the trip out to Kansas to welcome him and to rejoice in the blessing with his daddy, mommy, his other grandparents and great-grandparents. It is truly amazing how much love one is able to give. My heart is so full!
Tuesday, May 28, 2019 – Met with Dr. H for a checkup and to have my port flushed. We talked about the swelling in my hands and feet continuing to bother me, and it is especially noticeable when I pick up my grandson. He told me to continue taking Aleve, as I have been since the infusions started, and that it may take time before the swelling goes down. Other than that everything else looks good. We scheduled my next CT Scan for the end of August. I would need to come back prior to that for a port flush.
Monday, June 24, 2019 – Had to make the gut wrenching decision to help our last remaining fur-baby, Daisy Duke, cross over the rainbow bridge. Two lost in four months and I was beyond devastated. I cried for weeks. In my whole life, I had never not had a dog or two in the house. Daisy was my cancer dog. She was the one who snuggled with me on the couch, on the bed, on the floor when I was sick and going through treatments. She was the only one I told all of my darkest fears to. The only one who knew how I truly felt every day. When Brian was at work and Ben was at school, it was just her and me. Now, with traveling so much between home and Kansas to see Oliver and our kids, it is not practical to bring another puppy/dog into our lives right now.
Tuesday, July 9, 2019 – My BFF, Jan and I went to Woodland Lakes to visit my aunt and uncle for a couple of days. On our first night there, a little black kitten, with a bad scar in the shape of a crescent on his side, walked up to me out of the darkness and claimed my heart in an instant. I named him Eclipse, knowing full well that Brian would never let me bring a cat home. He has never liked them and never will. My aunt is a confirmed crazy cat lady, and she has several, but there was no way she could keep another male as it would eventually fight with the one she has. She did feed him and give him water though, which pretty much guaranteed that he would stick around. And he did, for the whole time Jan and I were there…and until I talked Brian into letting me give this little guy a chance to heal and be loved. It didn’t take much, because I was still so down and depressed over losing Daisy, Brian agreed we could try it. We were heading out to Kansas the very next weekend for a visit and we stopped by my aunt’s place on our way back to bring Eclipse home with us. Though Brian wouldn’t admit it at the time, Eclipse stole his heart too. So much so, that the next weekend, the kids came with Oliver for their first visit since his birth and they brought a little sister for Eclipse. I named her Luna and she has become Brian’s cat, for sure. Again, never say never!
Friday, July 26, 2019 – Went in for a port flush. It was nice to just walk in and walk out within 10 minutes, but I wasn’t prepared for how I would feel seeing other patients sitting in the infusion room getting their treatments. A rush of sadness washed over me and, though I smiled and said hello to everyone, I know it was just as hard for them to see me come in and leave so quickly because I remember seeing people do the same thing while I was doing my time in the chair. Brave souls, each and everyone of them.
Tuesday, August 27, 2019 – Scanxiety! CT Scan and then straight to Dr. H’s office for the results. It never gets easier sitting in that examining room waiting for him to walk through the door. The scan still shows scar tissue that is very slowly dissipating, but the words STILL CANCER FREE definitely overshadowed everything else! I am scheduled for an x-ray and followup appointment with Dr. H in late October. If that is clean, I have decided to have my port removed. It is totally my decision and until this appointment, I kept saying, “it’s not like I can just open a zipper and put it back in if I need it”. Well, I decided to change my thinking to, “I will not need it again, so let’s just take it out”. Take that Cancer! You suck and I’m done with you forever! (So please be done with me…)
Heard this song on the radio as we were leaving Dr. H’s office and thought that this particular verse, the “she” could be changed to “I”.
“She’s got a smile it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I’d stare too long
I’d probably break down and cry”
Where do I go now? What do I do? How do I live with yet another new normal?
There are several books on how to pickup and go on after the big “C”, and I am beginning to think I need to spend some time in the library.
Still always scared that it will come back and finding it hard to plan for the future.
Working on closing this chapter of my story and beginning to focus on writing the next one!
Peace and Love to All!
Kathy (with a “K”)
Kathy, you are SO strong and such an inspiration. Thanks for the glimpse into your world. It helps me empathize a little better with those going through treatment. I really had no idea until I started reading your blog.
I completely agree with Susan. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. It takes a strong woman not only to go through what you have, but also to open up and be vulnerable and transparent in order to help others. You are an inspiration! 💗